Yesterday, the United States Senate failed to pass an extension of unemployment benefits.
A spokesperson for the Senate did NOT say the following:
“Fuck all of you lazy, shiftless, crybaby losers without jobs. If all of you just tried harder, you’d be able to take advantage of the American dream, because let’s face facts, assholes, hard work is always rewarded here in the greatest country on earth. We’re sincerely sorry that you lack the proper work ethic to succeed. I mean, granted, we did start the unemployment-a-thon rolling when we passed NAFTA way back in 1994, pretending that it wasn’t perfectly fucking obvious to anyone with half a goddamn brain that it would incentivize the corporate oligarchs to offshore millions of jobs to countries with no environmental controls that pay their workers 27 cents per week.
And yes, it’s also true that we repealed the Glass-Steagall Act in 1999, passed the Commodity Futures Modernization Act in 2000, and then generally relaxed many more financial regulations, all of which paved the way for commercial banks to act like casinos, which, in turn, led to the recent global economic collapse, and that certainly hasn’t helped you sorry sacks of shit to find jobs that no longer exist, and most likely never will, ever again, but hey, you really should have adapted to the new economic playing field by getting Harvard business degrees, and learning how to capitalize on the demise of America’s working and middle classes, while making yourselves too big to fail™.
Look on the bright side, though. You could always enlist in the United States Corporate Resource Procurement Agency. They’re always looking for a few good men/women, and we’ve somehow found it in our hearts to allocate 720 billion dollars towards that endeavor for 2011. Of course, those resources will mostly go to international corporations that will funnel their profits either directly to their executives, or towards building infrastructure in other countries where the workers are far less finicky than you ungrateful fucks, but at least you’ll be able to feel like part of the team.
Buck up, buttercup, and stop blaming everybody else for your failures.”
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